actually, I'm a sock model
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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