I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just forgot I was standing up.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
