why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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