I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
