you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back