hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Randomize
