I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
