Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
