My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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