the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
