can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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