and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
