please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Drake has all the answers
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
