We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
