Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
