I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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