I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
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