There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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