you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
