Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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