we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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