I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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