remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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