In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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