Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
