my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
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Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
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So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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