Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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