She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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