I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
we're making bets on your personal life
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You made out with two different species that night
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
