you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
