it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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