broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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