____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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