dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
