I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I don't think brook has ever known best
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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