saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
