You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
