Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
