she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
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I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
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you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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