At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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