dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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