Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
