why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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