apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
