Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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