fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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