I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the condom got lost in my hair
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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