First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
