the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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