i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
