Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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