A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
