god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
