I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
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You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
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I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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