Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
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you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
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It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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