We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
