Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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