My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
This toilet bowl is my home.
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